Riding the Trail - Chapter Two

The Next Day...

Cat enters the Drive Room at around 10AM, Dancing his cat-style Dance. "Aaaooowwww! Good morning buds! I'm looking good today! Yeeaaahhh!" He sits down in his chair. "Hey cat, can you check your Radar. I can't seem to find the shuttles." says Lister. "Hey! I don't check nothing this early in the Morning!" he responds. "Just check it! I can't seem to find 'them'." says Lister. Cat checks the Radar and finds nothing. "Sorry bud, there's nothing on there. I can't even smell them! Maybe i'm smelling in the wrong direction!" "We must of outrunned them. Good, we can stop worrying. You still up for watching the movie tonight?" asks Lister. "Yeah, sure thing. Now, i'm gonna go have a nap and try to dream a good outfit!" Cat says before leaving. Lister follows and heads towards the Media Archive to find a good movie to watch that evening.

About Twenty Minutes later, the Ship shakes rather violently, and sirens go off. "Smeg!" he says before running off towards the Drive Room. He gets there a few minutes later, at the same time as the rest of the Crew. They promply sit down in their seats and check the readings. "Damage Report says there is barely any damage, barring a broken Seal on the door in Landing Bay 29." states Rimmer. "There are five new Shuttles in Landing Bay 29! They must of rammed their way through the Doors! There'll be debris everywhere!" says Kryten. "While it's tempting to clean the mess, we must work out what exactly happened down there." he concludes. "Someone punch up visual!" says Lister. Security footage of Landing Bay 29 appears on-screen. There is five ships parked around the deck. Two of them are Starbugs, Two of them are Blue Midgets, and One of them was a Shuttle they never saw before. It was Yellow, and in the shape of a Football, slightly bigger than Starbug and with wings on either side. On the side was printed 'ALPHAEGG 1' The Starbugs and Blue Midgets looked like they had an upgrade too, or atleast a good polish. Some people exited the shuttles and walked around the Bay. Some were recognised as crew members of the 'Full' Dwarf, though some were not crew members, according to the Info-Scanners. "Who are they? And where the hell d'they get that yellow ship?" asks Lister. "I'm not too sure, but according to the InfoScanner, it fits Space Corp requirements, and it's apparently dated to the early 22nd Century!" states Kryten. "So, half A century after the attack of the faulty Drive Plates, then." says Rimmer. "It would appear so. They look like they can cause no immediate harm, suggest that we move to the Loading Bay and ask questions." says Kryten. "Alright, but take along some Bazookoids as back-up. You never know what these Space Nutters are like." says Lister.

The crew travel down to Landing Bay 29 to find out what happened. They enter the room

Riding the Trail - Chapter One

Set a few months after the events of Back To Earth...

Int: Drive Room

Lister walks into the Drive Room while eating from a packet of Double-Layered Chili and Curry flavoured Crisps. He sits down and eventually checks the Radar. He notices a small object approaching Red Dwarf. No, it's two objects. No, three. A number of objects were approaching the ancient crimson Starship. "Er, guys. I think you should come in here for a sec." said Lister over the intercom. Rimmer and Kryten walk into the room. "What's wrong, Mr Lister? Did you see something on the Radar?" asked Kryten. "Yeah, there's a couple of Objects approaching the Dwarf, they look like Shuttles from what I can make out." says Lister "There's actually a Ship out there? Aliens!" suggests Rimmer excitedly. "Oh, here we go. Why do you still hope for aliens? You have a body now, even if it's made of light." says Lister. "True, but you get bored seeing the same three smeggy faces for many years. I want to meet someone new. I want to have a life outside of complaining about your eating habits." says the Hologram snarkily. "Look, whatever, the shuttles are moving very slowly, like they have more than one or two dozen parts broken. I'd say it'd take a couple hours to catch up with us." guesses Lister. Lister gets up to leave, though Kryten and Rimmer sit down in nearby chairs. "I suggest we monitor and try to contact these vessels. They could need help with repairs, judging by the speed they're going that. Either that or it's being driven by a Snail distracted by quicksand." says Kryten. "Whatever, i'll be down at the bar if anything happens" says Lister before leaving the room.

Two hours later...

Lister re-enters the Drive room to see Kryten, Cat and Rimmer busily analyzing the approaching 'Snailships'. "Any news?" He asks. "Nope, not really. Though judging from the speed their going at, they probably aren't cool enough to have a fashion sence like mine!" Cat boasts. The panels bleep in a pattern. "We've got something! The shuttles are of JMC origin!" notes Kryten. "Wait a minute." says Rimmer alarmingly. "Remember when we abandoned the rest of the Ship's crew in all those Shuttles? I'm pretty sure that that's them, and when they catch up with us, we might as well say goodbye to food that isn't made from cabbage and Space Weevil." "Smeg, it is them, isn't it? Well we're not gonna let 'em get us. Someone blast up our speed, we'll outrun the buggers!" says Lister. Red Dwarf's speed raises slightly, and the gap broadens between the shuttles and the Giant Ship.

Ian Fistman - Chapter Four

At this point, I should explain the origin of what Ian is today. You see, about 8 years ago he was an average person living in his Parents house. He had a job at a local Video Store, and loved eating Rehydrated Sushi Pizza. All of this was great until one day during the 'Eurasia-Austerica War', he signed up to fight in any local areas, as he was bored of doing nothing all day. After 15 seconds of fighting, an opposing fighter lodged a damaged granade encased in gold. It hit him in the leg and caused massive injury.

It took Doctors 18 Minutes to repair his problems. Though, there were some complications. The surgery removed...things. Things not normally removed from pulling out Gold from someone's leg. It removed emotions. Well, not exactly 'removed' them as much as 'muted' them. They were still there, just very quiet. Only Anger and Glory were left alone. It also muted his Pain threshold, thereby causing him to feel little to no pain when injured. It's almost like the Exploding Gold 'rebuilt' him to be some machine of sorts.

When he was sent home, he moved out of his Parents House, and quit his job at the Video Store by throwing Explosive Video Tapes at his Manager. He then moved to the Wilderness to practice the power of 'Awesome'. Ian Fistwinkle from some small town in some Country was reborn...as Ian Fistman...

Ian Fistman - Chapter Three

Then the Engines cut out. Ian gets pissed off and kicks the console. It
springs back to life and charges for the Moon. It hits the moon, causing a
massive explosion and reaction, which sends the Moon towards Earth, just
as planned. The Glove, however, has gone in the opposite direction,
towards the Star known as Sol. Ian kicks the Ship again, which restores the
engines before he fell into the Sun. Unfortuantly for Ian, the Glove was
faceing the Sun, so the Engines blasted towards it anyway. The Glove then goes
into a rapid Tailspin of sorts, then glides in the Direction of Earth. Close call
for Ian. Damn Engines.

The Moon has to hit Earth at the right angle, otherwise the placement is ruined, and all that the Moon will do is flatten the Earth. It'll look cool though. But the Moon does hit at the right angle and the Probe Digger is buried underground! From there, it'll dig down to the core of the planet and convert Lava into Unleaded Fuel. The Moon also didn't hit the Earth itself, as the impact of the Probe caused the Moon to bounce off itself and drift into Space. It just drifted off into the deep dephs of space. Of course, this now means no Tides. Oh well, screw the Surfers! Smug beach-dwellers...

The Probe reaches the core, and Volcanos erupt throughout the World and Millions die. Thiscauses the Icecaps to Melt, Millions drown. And so on and on and on! Eventually, Two Billion die throught the Home planet of the Empire. One good thing is that the Probe works and Fuel is filtered through to the other Project that was being worked on. A giant Spaceship about a quarter the size of the world. Very Sleek, yet Rustic design and a Chockfull of Weaponry! It was to be named 'AWESOMESHIP EARTH', or something like that anyway. And the bridge contains a Fist-shaped Chair, the seat for the Almighty Sir Lord Ian Fistman. OBE.

The ship goes at a decent speed, with it able to leave the Solar System within 20 minutes. Light Speed is optional, but highly unreccomended as Light Speed Travel is still very experimental. Ian boards the ship with his crew of around 30. About 25 of them know what their doing. The other 5 or so came along because they were bored and couldn't be f****d getting a job on Earth. Ian started up the ship, and it rose out of the Docking Port and flew out into space, bound for Glory.

Ian Fistman - Chapter Two

When the construction of the Glove was completed, there had been questions by the media about a potential apoclypse that could occur if it was used. Ian responded by punching the camera lens with an Electronic Ring he was wearing, which caused the Cameraman to Die of Explosion. Poor sod. He then went back to his Headquarters to bask in his awesome plan. He felt awesome. He was awesome. Or so he thought...

---

The alarm buzzed like a manic woodpecker. It was ten to five in the morning. Ian got out of bed and had a shower. Then he went to prepare breakfast. Mmm, Eggs. Hatched, his favourite! He ate it quickly and drank some Pig's blood alongside it. He then watched TV for half an hour, to see if the Media were bitching about him again. They were. He then phoned his HQ to order another Strike on the News services. He then got in his tank and drove to the HQ.

When he got there, everyone was busy. So they should be, as the Glove is launched in an hour from now. He then drove through a wall to check up on the progress. Things we're going as planned, so he approved and went to check on the rest of his minions. In 57 minutes, the World will see how Awesome he really is.

---

Five minutes to go. Five minutes until the Glove is launched. Five minutes
until glory neverending. Ian was waiting for the launch of the glove, while
final checks were undertaken. "All clear, Sir Fistman!" said the overeager
Scientist #6. Ian nodded, then went over to the Glove docking port. "WAIT,
SIR!" yelled Scientist #2. "We've found a major fault! Sneaky little bastard
too, was hidden from out first and second checks! We need to repair the
glove, Sir. I'm sorry, we have to postpone the launch". "Like hell we are!"
said Ian, as he kicked the Scientist in the Head, and walked into the Door.

Ian then slams some buttons on the panel near the chair. "LAUNCH
SEQUENCE IN 30 SECONDS" said the monotone Robot Voice. "Sir! I
highly recommend that you stop this launch! It's too dangerous!" said
Scientist #1. "Dangerous is my middle name." said Ian. "I thought it was
Aaron?" asked the confused Scientist. Ian throws him out of the Glove and
closed the door. "LAUNCH IN FIVE SECONDS" said the Voice of the
Launch, as Ian sits down and awaits Space.

The ground beneath the Glove explodes more then expected, and
Launches the Glove into orbit in a matter of seconds. It leaves the
atmosphere, though not before cutting through a Plane on the way. It
escapes the Earth, bound for the Moon on a mission of Violent, Glorified
Awesome.

It reached the moon within Twenty minutes, and started an orbit around it.
The light in the cockpit is flickering, and the console panel is sparking
slightly. Ian updates his status on MyFaceTwitTube, thanks to a good signal
on his MegaPhone, "Gonna Punch the Moon. Good for a laugh, I guess".
He checks to make sure that the Probe Digger Machine thing is on the
Moon Surface. Then, he presses the button to Lauch himself and the Glove
at the Moon. Five...Four...Three...Two...ONE!

Ian Fistman - Crazy Awesome: Pre-Titles/Chapter 1

Ian Fistman wakes up and drinks 18 pints of some gross-looking drink that
he "claims" gives him powers of "awesomeness". He then walks out of his
apartment filled with trophies made of Mounted Soda Bottles filled with
some sort of Dead Mouses as he goes to the shops to pick up his food he
demanded half an hour previously. He arrives to pick it up, when the
emperor of the Neighbourhood walks in demanding a tax from Ian. The
Emperor, while being the most feared man in the area, has been working up
the will to ask Ian for the tax for the last Eight Months. When he does, Ian
decides to pick him up and throw him into the Freezer, like a Basketball,
then he turns the temperature to "Ice Ice Baby". as the Emperor freezes
and turns into a Frozen block of Ice. Ian then claims himself the Emperor of
the Neighbourhood, insults the Shopkeep, then leaves to return to his
Apartment.

That was Five Years ago. Since then, he has transformed the
Neighbourhood into a Global Empire, with Six Colonies off-planet. He rules
all of this with Eyes of Hate and Teeth of Grit. Two Billion people have died
in the last five years because of him, because he decided that people
should only eat only Fried Chicken with Lettuce. Ian looks back at his life
and wonders why he killed thouse millions of people in the Battle of Mount
Rushmore, where he decided to detonate the Monument to carve a tribute
to all the People who've tried to be awesome in the past. Then he
remembered... why was he being evil? He was originally meant to be just an
asshole to the rest of society. Right there and then, Ian Fistman decided to collectively
end his empire and create a new one. By Punching the Moon into the Earth.

Ian Fistman - Crazy Awesome

INT-FISTMAN HQ - NIGHT: Ian asks the Scientists in his Lab to draw up
plans to create a Spacecraft and a giant Boxing Glove that contains Anti-
Matter. ...Well, I say 'ask'. He actually smashed through the window and
threw Bottles of Acid at the Scientists until they complied. They then set to
work prepairing the codenamed "Project Sucker Punch" that will ensure the
end of the Empire, and maybe, if we're lucky, all Human life.
You see, no-one knows where Ian came from. Heck, some people don't
even think Ian knows where he came from. He probably just showed up
millenia ago and started the idea of Death. Before he inherited the title of
Extreme Overlord he was just a simple Boxer/Hitman/Florist of Death. He
would just demand everything, and never took no for an answer. He would
enact bouts of pain and laughably awesome acts of awesome apon people
he wanted Money and/or food from. The thing is, he wasn't evil. That was
just him being the wierd person he is. When he seized the empire however,
he then decided to go beyond "Anti Hero" and into the "Successful Villian"
type. Then he slaughtered until dinner. And he decreed that it was good.
Everyone else, however, didn't like this. So he shot their iPhones. They all
cried at the loss of their binary-code friend, and ran away and hid from
"Crazy Ian".

After the Scientists worked out how to manage this demand, they set to
work building the Glove. In it's stitching, it contained Lead, Anti-Matter, and
solid Acid. If this came in contact with anything, it would blast it into another
dimension nearly. This was calculated in destroying the colony on the moon,
while in turn smashing the core of the Earth by means of Ghosting tech, and
would transform the Earth and it's Moon into a Galatic Spaceship. Yeah.
This was the plan.

To put it into detail, there is a giant machine waiting for the Moon to bump
into the Earth, so when it does, the Machine digs it's way to the core of the
Earth and plants engines into the Lava, turning the Planet of Earth into a
Spacehip. Admitedly, this might cause some damage to both the planet and
it's moon, but if millions die for the good of the universe, then it is justified,
atleast by Ian's standards. The Earthship would then set out to conquer the
Universe. Atleast, thats the planned course of action.
---

That's a start of a story i started typing at random. Make of it what you will. Flibble.

Wow, it's empty here.

Bit of dust around here. Anyway, welcome back. I haven't posted to here in quite a while. Sorry about that.

What's Up...

Just a quick update to tell you all how I have been. Doing quite well actually. Yesterday i had a Big Mac for the second time in my life, quite tasty. It rained here rather heavy last night for about 15 minutes, then It all buggered off by about 11PM. That's all that been happening besides the 'norm, so I will stop typi...

Cookies & Cream ain't so Keen

OK, review time, and today i am reviewing the KitKat Chunky Bar - Cookies & Cream Flavour. Well i say today, though i actually ate this about 6 months ago. Woah, this one was a doozy!


KitKat's come in many sizes and flavours so new releases are common, and the Chunky bar variety have 3 different flavours: Normal; Caramel; Cookies & Cream. I usually buy the Caramel but that time i also bought a Cookies & Cream, fairly new product back then.

Let's get to the review now, shall we?

Okay, here were the two bars that I bought. One is my usual "Caramel" bar, the other is the "C&C" (music factory) bar.

When i tried the bar, it wasn't bad! Kinda like the Caramel with a creamier approach. Kinda rich. Too rich.

One Word - Aftershock.

As soon as i ate this i got a sudden lurching down south and the urge to dump it into a waste disposal. I ran to the Toilet and let it all run (i said run) out. The aftershock was a smooth brown pile of shit and 30 minutes of waiting for the pile to stop building! Luckily that was all that happened and after that i was perfectly fine, but that told me i should never eat that type of demented Chocolate again! It probably just my system not used to that richness.

Well that concludes this review-rant. Till next time, keep away from the man-eating Candy Tree!

I Asked for Salut, not Walnuts!

What's Up!

I'm Brayds2006 and this is an underrated candy postal worker from the North Pole Eastern Division...in modern terms, a blog, my blog.

I have no idea what I will post here but I am sure it will be atleast somewhat near the guidelines of The 1991 Act of Peppermint Surplus.

Up next, a review of something I ate half a year ago! If you think that's boring, you win $2!*

* By "$2" I mean sarcasam and by "win" I mean Lobster.